After I Lost My Job, I Kept Spending Money I Didn't Have

“I think we need to put a pause on our sessions.”

This was the text message I sent to my personal trainer, shortly before he called me and we discussed exactly what happened. A few days later, I had to do the same with my therapist. I had reached a point where, financially, I had to put things on my life on pause.

The morning I texted my personal trainer, I had been laid off from my full-time, somewhat lucrative consulting job. To be honest, I sort of saw it coming. I had been working at the firm for a little over a year and it just wasn’t a good fit. So it wasn’t completely out of the blue. But I didn’t expect it to happen so soon. 

More importantly, with any job loss, it meant that I no longer had access to my regular stream of income — and this triggered my already existing financial anxiety.

I have generalized anxiety, and it tends to come in many forms, including financial anxiety. I must have inherited it from my dad, who is also prone to anxiety and who taught me to be frugal with money.  

As you can imagine, my financial anxiety went through the roof shortly after I lost my job. Living in Toronto is expensive. At the time I got laid off, I paid more than $2,000 in rent. Then there’s groceries, medications, gym membership, and therapy appointments. So losing my income—and the benefits that came with it—threatened my daily living, my stability and even my health.

The more financially anxious I was, the more I engaged in retail therapy.

I grew humble and desperate. I put many important things on hold, such as my gym membership and therapy, even though I needed the latter more than ever. I called my parents letting them know what happened. They weren’t angry or upset, but of course, they were concerned. They asked me if there was anything they could do. In my desperation, I asked them if they could help pay for rent.

“Only for a couple months or until I get another job,” I said, to reassure them as well as myself.

My parents agreed. For a good three or four months of unemployment, my mother and father flipped me a couple thousand dollars for rent. I was grateful to them — and I was actively looking for work so that I didn’t have to depend on them for much longer. During this time, my parents and my brother also advised me to budget whatever money I had. 

I didn’t. I found that the more financially anxious I was, the more I engaged in retail therapy. I bought some clothes online, most of which I didn’t actually need. I ordered in meals from Uber Eats a few times a week instead of getting groceries and cooking from home.

In short, being unemployed didn’t stop me from spending recklessly, and this time, I was spending money I didn’t have. The result? I ended up maxing both my credit cards, and my credit score dramatically decreased. Eventually, I had to borrow even more money — about $3,000 in total — from both my parents and my brother. 

My brother was hesitant to loan me money, but he ultimately gave in, provided that I pay him back when I was employed again. My parents once again gave in without question. The fact that my parents had no problem bailing me out made me feel increasingly guilty. I’m not sure if they felt I was taking advantage of them. But I certainly felt that way. On a subconscious level, I knew I didn’t really have to worry about money because my parents would always support me. 

As my guilt and anxiety levels rose, I embarked on more retail therapy and spent money I didn’t have on new clothes, video games for my PlayStation, as well as books and other accessories I didn’t need. I didn’t even have room for everything in my small-ish apartment. I was nearly hoarding. 

I grew fearful of checking my bank account. There were times when I didn’t even know how much — or how little — funds I had, and I didn’t want to know. It was just a reminder of how much I was spending.

Sometime after that, I visited my parents at their condo and we had an honest conversation about my spending. They didn’t resent me for having to pay my rent and loan me additional funds. They didn’t think I was using them. But they were concerned about my budgeting and they hoped I would learn something from this and get my act together. 

Eventually, I did. Late last year, I started tracking my expenses and cutting down on my spending. I also sold some of my unworn clothes to thrift stores. I sold some of my puzzles and PlayStation games on Facebook Marketplace. And I picked up some part-time work before, ultimately, landing a full-time job a few months ago. 

Now, in a way, I feel like my life has resumed. I pay my own rent again without having to borrow money from my parents. And I’m back in therapy and regularly seeing my personal trainer.