Why Mutual Masturbation Is the Best Sex I've Ever Had

I love a wank. Who doesn’t? Nowadays, with newly accepted types of relationships—polyamorous, aromantic, situationships—sex and love have become more and more complicated, but wanking remains a timeless and straightforward activity.

Recently, I’ve taken this love of wanking to the next step: mutual masturbation.

In practice, mutual masturbation can mean a couple of things. Some people define this as two or more people wanking each other off simultaneously (as preferred by Oxford English Dictionary). Whereas others understand mutual masturbation as two or more people wanking themselves off, but next to each other and at the same time (as favored by Urban Dictionary).

The version I’m into is the latter. That’s what I’m going to be endorsing here.

Over the past year, my partner (male) and I (female) have been experimenting with self-pleasure while next to each other in bed. Sometimes as a precursor to penetrative sex, sometimes after penetrative sex, and sometimes without any penetrative sex (gasp).

Mutual masturbation's thrill comes from doing something naughty or taboo.

As someone who’s had their fair share of mediocre sex with men, I can’t recommend mutual masturbation enough. Beyond the undeniable fact that you can nearly always bring yourself to orgasm better than anyone else, there’s also something uniquely sexy about getting to see your partner in the act.

When I watch him jerk off, it feels so vulnerable that I almost want to look away. I feel like I’m intruding on him in a way that’s also a turn-on.

I reckon this unique sexiness comes from the lingering shame and guilt around masturbation. It’s definitely not something I ever talk to my family about. Like death or shitting, it carries an awkward taboo; we all know it happens, but we don't really talk about it.

I've been conscious of this shame for as long as I can remember. But now, when I share masturbation with my partner, that shame morphs into something that enhances our sex. Yes, I'm watching you masturbate—an act society deems so shameful. And I get to see you doing it.

For me, great sex is often about pushing boundaries. I think this is true for so many of us. The thrill comes from doing something naughty, subversive, or taboo. Mutual masturbation can be another way to experience that thrill.

It’s as if him letting me watch is a testament to our intimacy and affection, too. Like when you’ve been in a relationship for a while and start pissing in front of each other in the bathroom.

The intimacy also comes from being able to look at my partner's face, all screwed up and sweaty. With penetrative sex, this isn’t always the case. Even during missionary sex his head is often buried in my shoulder, which means I miss out on seeing him. Choosing a partner purely for their looks might be shallow, but it’s even more pointless if I can’t enjoy looking at their face when they come.

Surpassing the emotional benefits, there’s a powerful advantage: no risk of STIs, no chance of pregnancy, and no need for condoms. It’s like a teenage dream come true.

To me, the many benefits of mutual masturbation are clear. So why isn’t everyone at it? I get the impression that it’s not seen as “proper” sex. Whenever I talk to my friends about my current sex life, they usually assume mutual masturbation is just foreplay, or something we do when we're too tired for “actual” sex. And this is what baffles me. Where is all this masturbation hate coming from?

It seems widely believed that penetrative sex – the traditional penis-in-vagina lark – is the only form of proper sex, while everything else is considered second-rate.

As a queer woman, this offends me. When I do have sex with women, there’s rarely a penis substitute involved. I’ve never used a strap-on with women, and I’m friends with some queer women who actively avoid strap-ons because they don’t like the idea that they must imitate a penis in order to have sex. I really feel where they’re coming from. I hate the idea that the sex I have with women could ever be considered not real, or not proper sex—just because there’s not a penetrative element to it.

This tendency to privilege “penis-in-vagina” sex strikes me as very odd, and it makes me worry about the types of sex we all feel compelled to have. I hate the idea that lots of people could be enjoying different kinds of sex, but feel obliged to perform “proper” sex instead.

So this is my parting plea to you: Give mutual masturbation a try. It might just be the best sex you’ve ever had.