My Workplace Is a Boys’ Club, and I’m Sick Of It

This story is based on an interview with the editors of The Doe.

I was contacted by a recruiter three years ago about a sales job. It was a new industry for me, and at first I really liked this job. I still enjoy it for certain reasons—it’s definitely the most relaxed office environment I've ever been in. There were a few people here that I initially realized were ones I had to watch out for. People who were very openly partying all night, having to get picked up from jail, struggling to get to work in any timely fashion, things like that. But those people tended to not last very long.

This company was a smaller business when I got hired and then they got purchased by a larger, more corporate company. So I thought that it would get better, that the more problematic elements would kind of fall by the wayside. We merged with another office in the area and moved into their building. You hear about mergers and you're like, “Oh, gosh, everyone's going to get fired.” But they kept most people and most of the upper management stayed and it went very well. Still, the new culture of the office had a very “bro” vibe. The version of the company I got hired with initially was less male-dominated. You see a lot more men coming in during the hiring process.

It’s the kind of office where the men all get together and go play golf or go to sporting events. The office has made a half-assed attempt to do a similar thing for the girls, but it’ll be like paying $50 for a Paint Your Own Door Frame party. As women, we don't get the same sense of community out of our jobs, whereas the men are constantly planning things with each other outside of work. They won’t even pretend to invite us, not even slightly. Sometimes I feel like we’re their moms, asking them, “Did you guys have a good time?”

It really started to go downhill here for me when I wanted to make an HR complaint against my manager. He used a joke about rape to motivate someone in a sales capacity. He was encouraging a male employee to keep reaching out to someone he wasn't having success with. He said to him, “You're telling me if you're having sex with your girlfriend and she says to stop, you're just going to stop?” It was just completely inappropriate, and it shouldn't have been said. I don't know if he knew that I was within earshot or if he thought that nobody could hear him, or if he just didn't care. But it was really shocking. 

I was hearing a lot of things that made me feel unsafe to be in the office.

That was probably six or eight months ago. Ultimately, I didn't feel like I could say anything because it would be putting a mark on my back. There's no anonymous way to go to HR with things like that. I ended up not really doing anything except just keeping my distance. My manager and I rarely talk now. I prefer it, honestly, after those comments.

There was another instance where the men in the office were talking about doing illegal things and getting away with it. In the wildness of everyone chiming in and bragging, one of the guys mentioned knocking someone out. And then they all started to discuss the degree to which you can beat someone up and it be okay. One of our higher-ups was sitting in the room for this whole conversation and even participating. It was disheartening because it was not like the leadership said, “Hey guys, pipe down.”

It was all very aggressive, and I was immediately on guard after this conversation started. I was hearing a lot of things that made me feel unsafe to be in the office.

We've had a lot of big social media moments of talking about white men and their place in the world. I had recently been seeing the question, “If you could come across a bear or a strange man in the woods, which would you choose?” I saw what women were saying about it and thought, “Yeah, you know what? That’s valid.” I don’t know how I would have answered if it weren’t for these moments in my office. 

When incidents like those happen, it does get your fight-or-flight response going, where you're like, “I got to get out of here.” I have been thinking about looking for another job. I could do that. I could look for a more buttoned up corporate experience that isn't going to allow that kind of talk, but it's still going to be there under the surface, just kind of marinating. With this job, it’s kind of “the devil you know” scenario. And maybe at another place the sexism wouldn’t be so open in the office. But I don't think that hiding it and being more subtle about is fixing the problem. I’m also currently the only income earner for our household because my husband's in school, so I'm staying here until he can get a job post-graduation. I am staying for the security.

With sales, I think men might be drawn to the attitude of, “I'm going to do anything it takes to make this money because I need that commission.” Personally, I never wanted to be in sales in the first place. In the longterm, I’ve been trying to think of some industries that would have less of this culture, try to find something that’s culturally more of a good fit for me. It pisses me off, though, because what if I did like sales? What if a woman wanted to grow in this position—would there be even room for her?