I Have No Maternal Instinct. Is That So Wrong?

This story is based on an interview with the editors of The Doe.

I’m 18 years old, and I don’t have any maternal instinct. I really don’t get it. Why would people want children at all? It’s such a huge hassle, so much mental energy, physical energy, and money.

I had a nice upbringing: I’ve lived with my parents my whole life, and I have a really good relationship with them. I was always a creative person, and they gave me the opportunity to do what I wanted. They bought me supplies for art and stuff like that. I remember I did play with one of those baby dolls you have to take care of, and I always thought that was really fun. However, I definitely preferred animal toys. I would always pretend to have a dog or an imaginary creature. So even when I was young, I was never really in the mindset of, “I want to be the mom of a baby.”

I don't have any direct siblings; I do have a half brother, but he’s older than me and I don't really see him. I’m not actively around children, except when I had an internship at a kindergarten for a few weeks, and when I see my cousins, but I barely ever see them. I have a nine-year-old cousin and she's super sweet; I really love her. But I'm barely ever in a context with people who have children or just children in general.

I do see children at my job. I work in retail at a drugstore, and I always see parents coming in with children. Often, their kids run around the store, crying and yelling. And the parents are exhausted. When I hear from relatives that have children, they barely have time because their child is sick, or maybe they are sick...there’s always something going on, something that is just not at all appealing to me.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m wrong for feeling like this.

Sure, it’s kind of cute to imagine having a child with a person you love. I remember feeling that way with my ex right around the time that I volunteered at the kindergarten. I did find it really sweet. And when you're really in love with someone, you might imagine stuff that you don't usually do. But even though it might be nice in your head, it just does not add up to be something that's worth it for me personally. 

A majority of people around me talk about how they want to have kids. This is especially hard when you're looking to date someone, because most people want children. It’s just biology, that people want to reproduce, and obviously there's nothing wrong with that. But I do feel kind of out of place for not having that feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I’m wrong for feeling like this, because there's a lot of people who say that you're not normal if you don't want children, that you lack empathy.

Of course, these feelings can be normal, too. My boyfriend and family know how I feel; they are all accepting of it and they don't mind. And I'm very grateful for that, because I do hear that a lot of people get pressure from their family, especially their grandparents, who lived in a different time where having children was really important. But thankfully that's kind of changing now that everyone can choose for themselves. At work, I got some harsh feedback once. There's one coworker of mine who had a child even though it was unplanned, and she's really happy with it now. I was like, “I don't want children because it just consumes you. It becomes a massive part of your life and also part of your identity.” She got offended about that, but I stand by that statement, based on what I can see from other people. Having children influences you a lot.

I think the idea of having kids is pushed a bit too much on us. People will ask you and your partner if you're going to have kids and it's not really anyone's business. Just asking someone doesn't hurt, but if it's pressuring, that's not okay, because it does boil down to what the person actually wants in their life.

I live in a conservative part of Austria, and I went to an agriculture school growing up. We had a whole class on taking care of children. Our teacher at the time was against abortion and was glorifying the whole ordeal of being pregnant and having a child. I think instead we should all be taught about the risks of being pregnant and how serious it is to carry a child. A lot of people don't know this and then still have children and then are overwhelmed with it.

Personally, the idea of being pregnant scares me. I have a phobia of nausea and vomiting, so just knowing there’s a possibility of hyperemesis or even just regular morning sickness, which is one of the most common pregnancy symptoms. There are a lot of things that can go wrong. It really takes a ton of your body's energy, because you’re growing a whole person. I could see why someone would put all their energy into a baby because they want it so badly. But as someone who doesn't feel that way, I just want to focus on the people that are already here. Maybe this sounds mean or self-centered, but I don't want to have to put someone else's well-being and health over mine this way.