I Have OCD. My Indian Christian Family Doesn't Get It.

Growing up, my mental health issues showed up in a few forms: my heart pounding in my chest, becoming unable to speak, feeling so much fatigue that I couldn’t enjoy my favorite things, and intrusive thoughts alarming me on a decent day.

I suffer from OCD with symptoms of anxiety and depression. The OCD in particular has me dealing with those intrusive thoughts—and then compulsions in an effort to get rid of the thoughts. Bouts of depression sink me into stagnant periods when I’m unable to do anything, even pleasurable activities.

I felt alone and lost for a long time. I’m glad I finally took the step to get professional help, but there’s still something that makes my mental health journey particularly hard: my Indian Christian family.

I love my heritage and culture. Our rich and vibrant traditions, festivals, clothing and food are key aspects of my identity that I cherish. But “mental health” are two words that are taboo within my South Indian culture. Many (though not all) Indian families have the idea that mental health is not a valid ailment and is somehow exclusive to white people.

This sentiment would crop up during trips to the doctor or personal stories about my struggles. My mom would tell me I have nothing to be anxious about because we live good lives. Of course I’m grateful for the life I have, but that doesn’t mean that my mind will never fail me.

Many Indian families have the idea that mental health is not a valid ailment and is somehow exclusive to white people.

When we’re surrounded by fellow Indians, everyone is expected to talk a lot. Greeting elders and conversing with people my age is the norm. But due to my socially anxious tendencies, I would find myself unable to speak up and talk to other girls. It didn’t help that most wouldn’t acknowledge my presence or try to include me in conversations. During family visits to India, I would give one-sentence responses, my parents would answer questions for me, and older family members would ask why I don’t open my mouth. At the end of the day, I would be told off by my mom. I would either be very annoyed or just cry. 

Then there was the time when I posted a status on Facebook expressing a low point in my life. Unfortunately, my grandparents saw the post and called my mom to ask about it, leading to a breakdown for me and a bad scolding from my parents. From that day onwards, I couldn’t talk about mental health around my family or other Indians for a long time. 

Even if they all mean well, it’s frustrating how little they know about this facet of so many people’s lives. I didn’t choose to have anxiety, OCD, and depression. Why would anyone? I’ve yearned to be “normal” for a good portion of my life. I can be proud of my background while also wondering why mental health is seen in such a negative way by our community.

My family’s faith is another challenge I’ve had to face. Born into a Christian family, I’ve retained my beliefs into adulthood. However, I still have issues with how Christians miss what the Bible actually says and perpetuate their own ideas under the guise of faith. 

I would overhear my family talking about other people’s poor mental health as a result of not believing in God. What about me? I pray and I believe in God. In fact, when I started exhibiting more extreme symptoms of OCD, I found myself trying to take my faith much more seriously by writing down affirmations, praying, and reading the Bible.

I’ve heard so-called Christians equate mental illness to having demons influencing their minds. This is extremely damaging and hurtful. It shows a clear lack of knowledge on how brain chemistry works. I have suffered with intrusive thoughts nearly all my life, and they’re involuntary. 

I’m extremely grateful to have found fellow Christians who suffer from the same or other mental health issues and raise awareness for our community. But there are still so many other Christians who feel isolated and troubled as a result of the stigma against them. 

I was finally diagnosed in October of 2019 and have since been taking medication, received therapy, and helped raise awareness for OCD. I’ve even taken a stand towards my parents; they try to accept that I have mental health issues but still have a long way to go. My new church community has embraced me and conversations around mental health. I want to try and do my part in raising awareness with activists so young South Asians and Christians don’t have to feel trapped and alone.